Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
