my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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