I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
