My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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