Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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