y did u give ur computer a hand job?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
