The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
