put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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