i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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