Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
