And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
