I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
don't judge my taste in strippers
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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