does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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