Sry I called you an 8
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
