Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
