my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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