How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
