Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize