I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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