I feel great
I just peed on a car
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
