I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
