my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I seem to have left my pride at pride
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Randomize
