I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
