apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
We are all done wearing pants today
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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