Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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