South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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