we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
