I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
