We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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