Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
