everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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