did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
