god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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