i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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