And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
In other news, I just burned my penis
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
