porn star boner night. come get it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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