im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
