I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
