I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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