There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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