Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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