when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
