Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
