I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
