Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Sorry about my life...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
