i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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