I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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