I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
