I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
