You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
