They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
