he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My dick has a subreddit
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
