you're like a bully in the Christmas story
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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